Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Friday, May 22, 2009
May 22nd, 2009
Dear Mr Lee,
Congratulations! Our committee has reviewed your nomination packet which was from a record-breaking pool of 3,000 applicants this year. You and 63 other New York City residents are now official New York City Townies. In a few weeks you will receive your official joint-certificate of certification from the Pedantic Urban Kracken Educators and the NYC Department of Consumer Affairs.
We ask that you submit some additional supporting materials. Please provide in writing a proposal for a disquisition on your life in relation to a quintessential New York band. Popular and successful past subjects have included the New York Dolls, Suzanne Vega, and A.R.E. Weapons. The full disquisition should be ready in time for our June 1st swearing-in at Mars Bar hosted by Curtis Sliwa and the Guardian Angels, open Molotov cocktail bar from 2-11 PM.
This year we are requesting that applicants refrain from proposals about Lou Reed, as their final presentations have often exhausted the length of the open bar (here's looking at you Lou, you sober fuck, "Berlin" really?). Please also submit most recent bloodwork from a licensed physician, acclaimed acupuncturist, or spirit healer prior to initiation if you wish to be considered for our fledgling HIV/Rotgut/HerpesIV/Measles/Mumps/MMR experimental vaccine program. Space is limited because of budget constraints this year in this economy, and we have been asked to remind you that although this vaccine does not prevent unwanted pregnancy it may prevent all future pregnancies.
Remember that you will only be a certified NYC Townie after the swearing-in ceremony at Mars Bar (ponchos will not be provided, please bring your own). We ask that you refrain from standing on the street calling people yuppie scum, guiding tourists to "good" drug spots, haunting dark corners of dive bars until last call, or sleeping with lost yokels until after June 1st. You will also be sent a membership card that will entitle you to a 10% discount at participating methadone clinics, the GMHC David Geffen Center, Planned Parenthoods, Colt 45 stockists, and select marijuana delivery services. In addition to the discount program, the card entitles you to a $5 rebate check towards the purchase of Famous Amos cookies, Shasta cola, and Newports brought to A.A. meetings or venereal wart treatments.
Again, we would like to welcome you to the venerable society of New York City Townies. See you in June!
Laurie Andersen and Leo Fitzpatrick,
welcoming committee co-chairs
P.U.K.E. and D.C.A
May ...October 1998?
Dear D.C.A. and P.U.K.E.,
CC: Whitney Biennial Nominating Committee,
MacArthur Genius Foundation,
Guinness Book of World Records.
Re: David Byrne, Avenue A, et moi: my life this week in talking heads
City of Dreams.
-"Sugar on my tongue. Stay up late"
-"Heaven. Once in a lifetime!"
(sax and violins)
-"Road to nowhere."
-I wish you wouldn't say that. 'Girlfriend' is better.
'Love' for sale? no compassion.
-Memories can't wait.
(burning down the house)
-Love, building on fire! Psycho Killer! I Want to Live!!! Take me to the river! Swamp!
cross-eyed and painless. (nothing) but flowers.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
It was a big black balloon. Well not exactly a balloon--but it was sort of--if you had a certain sense of humor. Well, it was there. No one agrees on how exactly it got there. We all knew that it was, even if some refused it a name beyond "it." If they knew exactly how it had started, it might have been different. It might have been solvable.
On certain details we can agree. On a Monday night we woke up when we heard a sound on our roof. It wasn't loud. It was unexpected/unprecedented/un.... The squeak of a balloon dog being forced against its will into a crown. The sound of latex surface coming to terms with itself when forced suddenly against something not itself. A boy stirred awake with longings for his just-lost virginity.
Only it wasn't night. We went upstairs armed with bats. We knew it was not the robber we'd find there. But this is what we knew to do when we suspected an intrusion. We checked all over, tiptoeing around the attic like we were the ones breaking in. Not reassured that all was clear until we turned our respective last corners, the footprint of our houses seemed immeasurable in that last footstep. When we entered our basements to see if maybe it was something internal? Something within that we had overlooked earlier? We stopped and took notice. The familiar creaking of floorboards had a dull flatness. In fact it was so quiet we could hardly hear ourselves. It was only when we checked the time--8:08--that we knew something was wrong. It was supposed to be a sunny June morning.
Was it the landfill next to the town that local enviro-nuts always lobbied to shut down? Was it the tire factory in the next town over? Was it the act of a vengeful god? If so what was the crime we had committed?
That it was punishment was certain. We knew it was punishment for something because there was no reprieve. We had all heard that the worst part of being imprisoned in the Third World was never knowing your crime. We now knew it ourselves, but we were Americans. And we lived in Queens.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
THE SLOW REALIZATION OF ONE'S OWN MORTALITY:
living on the good graces of my friends. charmed aimlessness is charming right? 11:51 PM Aug 14th
Riding my bike along the brooklyn promenade everyone is an island in the dark coupling. I am the landlord of the skyline. happy to be free. 11:12 PM Aug 24th
why am I a hippie? forgive me ye cynical gods of new york. 7:54 PM Aug 25th
david foster wallace R.I.P. 9:24 AM Sep 15th
i think i'm getting allergic to penises and the people that grow out of them 12:22 PM Sep 25th
R.I.P. DOLEMITE 7:42 AM Oct 23rd
not recession-proofing the universe. my poor city, she trembles under the weight cast on her shoulders. i bear witness, small and helpless. 1:44 AM Dec 2nd
THE ESSENTIAL DIET:
heating up a spinach knish after a hard day of painting technicolor pussies 11:35 PM Aug 13th
can't believe how many texan death row inmates request PB&J's for their last meals. they're okay, not great. 9:52 AM Aug 14th
debate was a total snooze fest. and i even made a special debate lasagne which was totally fucking delicious 5:48 AM Sep 27th
swedish meatballs and lingonberry jamz...MMmm..i might hit up my neighborhood ikea for thxgvg dinner 12:14 AM Oct 13th
has anyone ever had chicken and waffles and lived to tell about it? 5:31 PM Oct 7th from web
just had dinner:a bowl of popcorn and doritos, 3 bud light limes. fiesta!! 11:42 PM Oct 19th
oh geez reading about mccain's mysterious health issues has made me lose, yes, even my insatiable need for doritos http://snipurl.com/4ipu0 11:56 PM Oct 19th
parents and i just voted in queens and rewarded ourselves with gut busting breakfast. 11:14 AM Nov 4th
@chopchomp WHHHHHAT is that??? tell me you ate it! 6:48 PM Nov 18th
THE ESSENTIAL DRUG HABIT:
my god has three names: Robert Downey Junior. 11:16 PM Aug 17th
some people unexpectedly have some exceptional marijuana. and i love surprises. thank you. 12:26 AM Aug 20th
insaneo desublimation from last night's party. any openbar obamathons on today? or is it me and a bottle of jack? 6:54 PM Nov 5th
wish i had some ambien and fewer than 4 coffees today 2:56 AM Nov 12th
THE EVER-EXPANDING UNIVERSE OF ARTS APPRECIATION:
You oughta know is the best song ever written. Nuff said. 7:17 PM Aug 20th
Lil Wayne!!! 9:49 PM Sep 7th
i really really wished I hadn't watched Old Boy. 7:03 PM Sep 21st
http://snipurl.com/4gb1d joan didion.. her sentences sound like waves breaking, just as powerful 1:02 PM Oct 17th
stay positive on the speakers and on the mind. 11:33 AM Oct 22nd
http://vimeo.com/1196726 awesome. mountain goats. godard. sexy french girls 1:51 PM Nov 3rd
http://snipurl.com/4r5cm BUILT TO SPILL covers Paper Planes. Like a drunk handjob from a stranger or something else cringe-inducing. 4:19 PM Oct 27th
does anyone besides me listen to podcasts or is that very iTunes 1.0? 12:06 AM Nov 3rd
THE ARGUMENT FOR ABSTINENCE:
Fuck of course this asshole has some asian whore girlfriend: http://snipurl.com/70w75 1:14 PM Aug 22nd
being vetted is the most unsexy thing ever. always keep that shit under wraps. 9:12 AM Sep 2nd
@ryanapetersen LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is Amazing you creep. Who doesn't love the MAC guy. and "your dead asian hooker girlfriend" 10:27 PM Sep 14th
i think i'm getting allergic to penises and the people that grow out of them 12:22 PM Sep 25th
4success with an Asian woman, an AfricanAmerican needs no additional income;a white man needs$24K less than average http://snipurl.com/4jxt7 11:36 PM Oct 20th
I have AMAZING taste in men. 6:29 PM Oct 29th
my pinata costume was awesome! especially when i let you beat me with a stick and chucked candy in your face 3:29 PM Nov 1st
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Feeling the unknowable. I reach into myself through my vagina, up my anus, into my guts, up my esophagus, past my trachea, out my nostrils and lips. It's an explosion. No goodwill. Only release.
Repeat. I'm an individual. Everything you are not I am. Everything I am you are not. Talent is persistence. Persistence is trying for no reason. Talent is trying for no reason at all. Repeat.
Poetry hasn't been bad like this since twenty minutes after the invention of LSD. How many times did Timothy Leary touch his penis then? Malcolm Gladwell told me once. Fuck what Whiteafromotherfucker says--I'm on the A-Team. You're on Team Beat-off when you're mom's not looking. Someone gave me a vibrator, it's a battery operated Aston Martin.
In my dreams I am Kal Penn initiating a 10 year old Indian Boy into the world of fuck. I feel his little asshole hairs with the backside of my warm brown hand and my cock shakes with cockglee. I notice for the first time that life has become my pillow.
I am a dildo. The ad hoc hood ornament on a VW Bug filled with old women who have large flower arrangements in their already elaborate hats. They stop the car when they see me trying to extricate myself one screw at a time. They dart out and grab me. Each has one hand around me. Pumps up and down in unison. "Age has no affect on a viselike grip" I note with surprise. What their old pussies can't.
Oh no, it's really just Martin Lawrence and I should've known I'm in Big Momma's House. It's wet. Smells like fish. But it's roomy. There's a batch of collard greens on a checkered tablecloth. I am not even sure I know what collared greens are.
Self: How often does it dawn on you that you hate me?
Self: A lot.