Tuesday, December 2, 2008

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twitter's phenomenology of mind

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living on the good graces of my friends. charmed aimlessness is charming right?
Riding my bike along the brooklyn promenade everyone is an island in the dark coupling. I am the landlord of the skyline. happy to be free. why am I a hippie? forgive me ye cynical gods of new york.

david foster wallace R.I.P. i think i'm getting allergic to penises and the people that grow out of them R.I.P. DOLEMITE not recession-proofing the universe. my poor city, she trembles under the weight cast on her shoulders. i bear witness, small and helpless. 1:44 AM Dec 2nd
heating up a spinach knish after a hard day of painting technicolor pussies can't believe how many texan death row inmates request PB&J's for their last meals. they're okay, not great.
debate was a total snooze fest. and i even made a special debate lasagne which was totally fucking delicious
swedish meatballs and lingonberry jamz...MMmm..i might hit up my neighborhood ikea for thxgvg dinner has anyone ever had chicken and waffles and lived to tell about it? from web
@gweezy how would i know that? i'll believe it when I see you in front of a waffle iron and a chicken friolator. seduce me.. just had dinner:a bowl of popcorn and doritos, 3 bud light limes. fiesta!! oh geez reading about mccain's mysterious health issues has made me lose, yes, even my insatiable need for doritos http://snipurl.com/4ipu0 parents and i just voted in queens and rewarded ourselves with gut busting breakfast.
@chopchomp WHHHHHAT is that??? tell me you ate it! my god has three names: Robert Downey Junior.
some people unexpectedly have some exceptional marijuana. and i love surprises. thank you.
insaneo desublimation from last night's party. any openbar obamathons on today? or is it me and a bottle of jack?

wish i had some ambien and fewer than 4 coffees today You oughta know is the best song ever written. Nuff said.
Lil Wayne!!!
i really really wished I hadn't watched Old Boy.
No endz, no skinz http://snipurl.com/4gb1d joan didion.. her sentences sound like waves breaking, just as powerful stay positive on the speakers and on the mind.

http://vimeo.com/1196726 awesome. mountain goats. godard. sexy french girls http://snipurl.com/4r5cm BUILT TO SPILL covers Paper Planes. Like a drunk handjob from a stranger or something else cringe-inducing. does anyone besides me listen to podcasts or is that very iTunes 1.0?

Fuck of course this asshole has some asian whore girlfriend: http://snipurl.com/70w75 being vetted is the most unsexy thing ever. always keep that shit under wraps.

bachelorette party for my one republican banker friend tonight. no strippers no drugs no men it's gonna be a loooong night. @ryanapetersen LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is Amazing you creep. Who doesn't love the MAC guy. and "your dead asian hooker girlfriend"

i think i'm getting allergic to penises and the people that grow out of them
4success with an Asian woman, an AfricanAmerican needs no additional income;a white man needs$24K less than average http://snipurl.com/4jxt7 I have AMAZING taste in men. my pinata costume was awesome! especially when i let you beat me with a stick and chucked candy in your face
i just got my final birthday present only a month late. and it's hilarious. http://snipurl.com/5mzxd also waterproof!! cuz you know this is exactly what you'd need, say, when snorkeling in belize.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Tranny Fag Diaries

Feeling the unknowable.  I reach into myself through my vagina,  up my anus, into my guts, up my esophagus, past my trachea, out my nostrils and lips.  It's an explosion.  No goodwill.  Only release. 

Repeat.  I'm an individual.  Everything you are not I am. Everything I am you are not.  Talent is persistence.  Persistence is trying for no reason.  Talent is trying for no reason at all.  Repeat.

Poetry hasn't been bad like this since twenty minutes after the invention of LSD.  How many times did Timothy Leary touch his penis then? Malcolm Gladwell told me once.  Fuck what Whiteafromotherfucker says--I'm on the A-Team.  You're on Team Beat-off when you're mom's not looking.  Someone gave me a vibrator, it's a battery operated Aston Martin.  

In my dreams I am Kal Penn initiating a 10 year old Indian Boy into the world of fuck.  I feel his little asshole hairs with the backside of my warm  brown hand and my cock shakes with cockglee.  I notice for the first time that life has become my pillow.


I am a dildo.  The ad hoc hood ornament on a VW Bug filled with old women who have large flower arrangements in their already elaborate hats. They stop the car when they see me trying to extricate myself one screw at a time.  They dart out and grab me.  Each has one hand around me.  Pumps up and down in unison.  "Age has no affect on a viselike grip" I note with surprise. What their old pussies can't.

Oh no, it's really just Martin Lawrence and I should've known I'm in Big Momma's House.  It's wet.  Smells like fish.  But it's roomy.  There's a batch of collard greens on a checkered tablecloth.  I am not even sure I know what collared greens are.

Self: How often does it dawn on you that you hate me? 

Self: A lot.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

The Arribada Effect

Dear Friends,
     I have been away for several months and I apologize.  I have had a lot of difficulty sleeping and have had to watch Planet Earth DVDs and read organic cookbooks as a substitute.  On a cheerful note: I feel only about 5% more suicidal but 28% more sympathetic to the marshlands. 
     I am happy to say that I have discovered the cure for my insomnia and also perpetual feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.  It used to be that it took about three or four sessions of continuous masturbation to Internet videos until I passed out from exhaustion.  I recommend turning the Safe Search off and Googling words that have been beguiling you all day.  Words like "Gauguin," "onomatopoeia," and "coriander" have yielded surprisingly titillating workable results in Google Video.  I can't stress enough the importance of both turning the Safe Search off and searching for "videos."  Sometimes you get unlucky, forgetting to do both, and end up getting only wikitexted fan-fiction all night long.  This is really the worst scenario because you read it all and convince yourself that you could write better and decide to make what seemed like modest revisions only to get your post yanked off the boards by an irate admin who shoots you a 4 AM e-mail that says only "PISS OFF WANKER!!"  So, in all
 honesty Google video search has been all analgesic and not the panacea I wished it to be.   Like most major discoveries it happened by chance that I now possess the ability to fall asleep on command like a charmed snake in a rope basket.  I share this knowledge with you now and hope that it will succor you as it has succored me.
        And it is this: I pretend that my pillow is a large Caribbean sea turtle.  Olive or Kemps Ridley species are the right size for a medium weight pillow(for side sleepers) from IKEA.  Place your right or left cheek on the bed and position the pillow on ear of the opposite side.  I like to position the pillow with a slight rocking motion to simulate the movements of the turtle's belly in the wave action of the Carribbean.  Its gentle weight on your head and the produced warmth make you feel loved by a beast with a cartilagenous shell but a heart of gold.  When my boyfriend is feeling particularly giving he'll soft boil some eggs or golfballs and rub them on my nose while rocking the pillow.  Properly executed on a night when the moon is full, and you could swear you are on the shores of Costa Rica, a newly hatched turtle pup warmed by the crosscurrents generated by mixing the heat of its mother's belly and the cooling sand below. 
     I call this the Arribada Effect, that is--a perfect moment--true unmediated communion with nature.  As with all things, repetition breeds boredom so I change things slightly for variation.  

      On summer nights for a truly magical Arribada Effect, it's nice to rub one's toes vigorously against the vents of an industrial fan or if unavailable, 1.5" binder clips placed on the individual toes.  If you do use the binder clips rub the metal tips of the binder clips against the wall.  Do
n't be scared, you will suddenly be transplanted to a sea in the Tropic of Capricorn where a porpoise is nipping at your fins.  "Hey Porpoise--Stop it!" you might exclaim and your boyfriend can squeak sympathetically now and then.  You can combine this with the pillow trick to enhance your experience.  Although dolphins are generally successful in catching baby sea turtles and devouring them whole; we can pretend for this fantasy that sometimes the hunt is just cheerful play and the biting a little joshing between two frenemies.  
 One A.E. that I like to do on the run or when traveling with only cabin luggage is the white whale.  It is quite easy in Asia where one finds many walls with synthetic treatments.  In Asian hotels particularly there tend to be walls painted with many layers of hi-gloss latex or enamel paint (I prefer white enamel).  Light a medium size candle and place near mirror angled towards the wall, this focuses the light for maximum shine. Take a shower in cold water, do not towel off.  Immediately position body against brightest and smoothest part of wall, outstrech arms and feel for the wall's sweet spot with your body if you feel up for some risk-taking maybe give it a tickle.  You will never get closer than this to hugging a sperm whale.  I find that about 30 minutes of this accompanied by low nose humming will put me eagerly in the arms of Nod.
  One that I like to do in the country because truthfully it is time-consuming and a little messy, yields the same whimsical reward as braising short ribs in pineapple juice.  Find a nice greeny patch in the garden, prepare a 10 lb sack of sugar with a pencil-pointed hole.  Use this to draw a distinct and continuous trail from outdoor patch to bathtub.  Feel free to add flourishes! My favorites are meandering spiral labyrinths on my grandfather's rocking chair, a zigzag on the TV, or over some poached eggs.  Just take care that you cut a path all the way to the rim of the tub.  For claw-footed bathtubs I suggest using a plunger placed a 60 degree angle from floor or a string of rock candies.  Please make sure you have reserved at least 2 lbs of sugar at this point.  Add sugar to bathtub allowing little to dissolve.  If you haven't already done so, disrobe. 
 Lie in tub. Pat sugar water on self.  Take remaining sugar, hopefully a pound or so and rub into exposed flesh. For a side benefit rubbing vigorously will gently exfoliate skin and add a little kinky redness.  My boyfriend likes this part the most.  Large granulated sugar is best. I like to sift the sugar in advance and save some of the "rocks" to place on my chest at this point.  Exhaust all the sugar and discard the sack, taking care to stay supine.  Now close your eyes and eagerly anticipate change.  After about 5 hours of marination the "tidewater" and "sand" becomes body temperature and the baby crabs come to explore all the funny promontories you've made.  They are usually ants but sometimes you get beetles which are arthropods! just like crabs!  The sensation is effervescent.  You know that you are the fertile tide pool that
 scores of creatures cling to for their survival.  The darker rougher parts of your body shelter thousands of diverse life forms.  Mosquitoes, black flies, termites, garden slugs, and the occasional wet vole become barnacles, sea crabs, sea urchins, chitons, snails, sand flies.  Sometimes though raccoons and bears are a problem.  Still, I dare you to find a better cure for insomnia.