The Arribada Effect

Dear Friends,

     I have been away for several months and I apologize.  I have had a lot of difficulty sleeping and have had to watch Planet Earth DVDs and read organic cookbooks as a substitute.  On a cheerful note: I feel only about 5% more suicidal but 28% more sympathetic to the marshlands. 

     I am happy to say that I have discovered the cure for my insomnia and also perpetual feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.  It used to be that it took about three or four sessions of continuous masturbation to Internet videos until I passed out from exhaustion.  I recommend turning the Safe Search off and Googling words that have been beguiling you all day.  Words like "Gauguin," "onomatopoeia," and "coriander" have yielded surprisingly titillating workable results in Google Video.  I can't stress enough the importance of both turning the Safe Search off and searching for "videos."  Sometimes you get unlucky, forgetting to do both, and end up getting only wikitexted fan-fiction all night long.  This is really the worst scenario because you read it all and convince yourself that you could write better and decide to make what seemed like modest revisions only to get your post yanked off the boards by an irate admin who shoots you a 4 AM e-mail that says only "PISS OFF WANKER!!"  So, in all

 honesty Google video search has been all analgesic and not the panacea I wished it to be.   Like most major discoveries it happened by chance that I now possess the ability to fall asleep on command like a charmed snake in a rope basket.  I share this knowledge with you now and hope that it will succor you as it has succored me.

        And it is this: I pretend that my pillow is a large Caribbean sea turtle.  Olive or Kemps Ridley species are the right size for a medium weight pillow(for side sleepers) from IKEA.  Place your right or left cheek on the bed and position the pillow on ear of the opposite side.  I like to position the pillow with a slight rocking motion to simulate the movements of the turtle's belly in the wave action of the Carribbean.  Its gentle weight on your head and the produced warmth make you feel loved by a beast with a cartilagenous shell but a heart of gold.  When my boyfriend is feeling particularly giving he'll soft boil some eggs or golfballs and rub them on my nose while rocking the pillow.  Properly executed on a night when the moon is full, and you could swear you are on the shores of Costa Rica, a newly hatched turtle pup warmed by the crosscurrents generated by mixing the heat of its mother's belly and the cooling sand below. 

     I call this the Arribada Effect, that is--a perfect moment--true unmediated communion with nature.  As with all things, repetition breeds boredom so I change things slightly for variation.  

      On summer nights for a truly magical Arribada Effect, it's nice to rub one's toes vigorously against the vents of an industrial fan or if unavailable, 1.5" binder clips placed on the individual toes.  If you do use the binder clips rub the metal tips of the binder clips against the wall.  Do

n't be scared, you will suddenly be transplanted to a sea in the Tropic of Capricorn where a porpoise is nipping at your fins.  "Hey Porpoise--Stop it!" you might exclaim and your boyfriend can squeak sympathetically now and then.  You can combine this with the pillow trick to enhance your experience.  Although dolphins are generally successful in catching baby sea turtles and devouring them whole; we can pretend for this fantasy that sometimes the hunt is just cheerful play and the biting a little joshing between two frenemies.  

 One A.E. that I like to do on the run or when traveling with only cabin luggage is the white whale.  It is quite easy in Asia where one finds many walls with synthetic treatments.  In Asian hotels particularly there tend to be walls painted with many layers of hi-gloss latex or enamel paint (I prefer white enamel).  Light a medium size candle and place near mirror angled towards the wall, this focuses the light for maximum shine. Take a shower in cold water, do not towel off.  Immediately position body against brightest and smoothest part of wall, outstrech arms and feel for the wall's sweet spot with your body if you feel up for some risk-taking maybe give it a tickle.  You will never get closer than this to hugging a sperm whale.  I find that about 30 minutes of this accompanied by low nose humming will put me eagerly in the arms of Nod.

     

  One that I like to do in the country because truthfully it is time-consuming and a little messy, yields the same whimsical reward as braising short ribs in pineapple juice.  Find a nice greeny patch in the garden, prepare a 10 lb sack of sugar with a pencil-pointed hole.  Use this to draw a distinct and continuous trail from outdoor patch to bathtub.  Feel free to add flourishes! My favorites are meandering spiral labyrinths on my grandfather's rocking chair, a zigzag on the TV, or over some poached eggs.  Just take care that you cut a path all the way to the rim of the tub.  For claw-footed bathtubs I suggest using a plunger placed a 60 degree angle from floor or a string of rock candies.  Please make sure you have reserved at least 2 lbs of sugar at this point.  Add sugar to bathtub allowing little to dissolve.  If you haven't already done so, disrobe. 

 Lie in tub. Pat sugar water on self.  Take remaining sugar, hopefully a pound or so and rub into exposed flesh. For a side benefit rubbing vigorously will gently exfoliate skin and add a little kinky redness.  My boyfriend likes this part the most.  Large granulated sugar is best. I like to sift the sugar in advance and save some of the "rocks" to place on my chest at this point.  Exhaust all the sugar and discard the sack, taking care to stay supine.  Now close your eyes and eagerly anticipate change.  After about 5 hours of marination the "tidewater" and "sand" becomes body temperature and the baby crabs come to explore all the funny promontories you've made.  They are usually ants but sometimes you get beetles which are arthropods! just like crabs!  The sensation is effervescent.  You know that you are the fertile tide pool that

 scores of creatures cling to for their survival.  The darker rougher parts of your body shelter thousands of diverse life forms.  Mosquitoes, black flies, termites, garden slugs, and the occasional wet vole become barnacles, sea crabs, sea urchins, chitons, snails, sand flies.  Sometimes though raccoons and bears are a problem.  Still, I dare you to find a better cure for insomnia. 

the APOCRYPHA of APOCALYPTO

Child, look close. Look at how her eyes dart from side to side as she walks through the market as though she is being followed. It is not the look of fear child. Make no mistake that is the licentious grasping gaze of the Antisemite.

If she holds yout gaze for too long you will fall prey to the lascivious trap her kind doth carry close like a hunter with his musket or a sailor with his scrimshaw. You will note how her bosom doth swing with pendulous regularity. Nay that is not like the pendulum in the clocks of grandmother's house, that is the debased metronome that mesmerizes the low instincts of her male kin and too many of our innocent young men. It bastardizes time with intemperance, leaving only the empty promise of amatory consummation in its wake.

Yess... Yess I can see she is pregnant--it is quite obvious to all--but is it quite so obvious what she is not showing? Her fine maternal glow does not betray her revolting secret. Our scientists have shown that during gestation the female Antisemite drops the fetus in a pouch in a special labial cavity formed by a droop ih her birthing apparratus. For four lunar weeks her offspring lay in this sac--a greedy monkey in its hammock--mouthj agape, lapping up the elixirs of lust that ooze from the gland found only in her kind that so many of our young men fall victim to. THe baby, if anything so tainted by birth can even be grated that name, will wail not for want of milk but for its narcotic, that vile honey its--and I'm sorry if I spit when I say this--mother secretes. Bisexuality and her siamese twin Sexuality are the flighty godmothers to all the young born to these people; for they are born orphans. As one and all know, a motherless child is like a soleless shoe; a cosmetic cover for infection and vermin that fester at its very base--at its very soul--hah!

Her eyes are set further apart in her visage to confound the eyes and make us perceive honesty and goodness wheree there is only hateful dissembling and malice. The epicanthis folds beckon recognition from our members like the desperate flyer of a proselytizer; unlike our faithful brethren these indelicate flaps are quite effectual. Her eyes seem beautiful as we follow mesmerized into the depraved lairs she reserves for the fatal encounter. She will offer wines and spirits to diminish our fear but this is to be the last act of unction. She will be merciless in our demise. In her passionate throes she clenches our daggers tight in a manner her father instructed her in (you blush but it is true) this erstwhile fair creature turns mureous monstr, and removes to discharge our weapons in our own faces.

And yet.. and yet their godless feral lust ends not with the consummation of flesh. They use their demonic prowess to garner opppostunites for advancement in our society. Our best cosmetic surgeons, entertainment lawyers, sporting agents, and yes even repectably agina businessmen provide only the steadiest supply of open vessels for their tricks. She will manipulate greed and envy as a sherpa with a finely honed staff. Expertly clinbing the highest reches of Mt. Success which is truly a tower built on the backs of the once willing but now lifeless backs of our men. After frolicking in public houses many a man finds himself parted from his fortune and in her vise-like grip. She will met you down part by part from your belt to the gelt in your teeth. Like a grinning mohel you will see her above you tantalizing you with your dismembered part in her clow. Her eyes will nbot seem beautiful then as she eyes you like the carrion you are. Then she will reinstate your body devoid of its soul and wealth, as her ventriloquist's dummy, to give her fraud a respectable face and to hide her true nature. Like the bloody merkin she is, she will in this guise, infiltrate the company of your peers with the same ruse until all of her society is lowered to her putrid and ignominious state. Then and only then will she be done with you. Look away child, look away before it is too late.

This Daft Gook Needs a Job: Scenes from a post.harvard.edu inbox

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Portfolio Strategists, and Analysts introduce and teach institutional investors about (now lube me up and pound my ass like you mean it) Bridgewater's pioneering work in areas such as risk budgeting, alpha and beta separation, portable alpha, optimal beta, currency overlay, and global inflation-indexed bond investing. (oh yeah you fucking like that don't you, you ugly little cumwad, tell me you like

daddy's tight little stinkhole.) Our track record

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My 26th Birthday Party Karaoke Songlist

It's very necessary that you help sate my appetite for destruction (self-, aurally). No doubt it'll be a bizarre ride II the pharcyde of Queens or K-town or the East Village (most likely). All the pathos or bathos won't get us back to black music's roots with my light-FM playlist but it most certainly won't be a night at the opera. Either which way, hell hath no fury like the bitter Asian birthday bunny scorned. Tone def ululations aside, it'll be all golden hits when I'm on golden pond hopefully my 2-6 will be bigger, better, faster, more , like a never ending supply of yay. Donations to that effect will be appreciated.



THE LIST:

1.Shoop or Let's Talk about Sex - Salt 'n' Pepa (warmup, ensemble)
2.Paradise City- G'n'R (dolo, choral ensemble)
3.Passin' me By- Pharcyde (I do Fat Lip's verses)
4.You Know I'm No Good - A. Winehouse (dolo)
5.Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (drunk ensemble obv)
6.Chinese New Year or Hello New World (someone's got to do Pharrell)- Clipse
7.I Say a Little Prayer- Dionne Warwick (maybe this will get cut)
8.What's Up- 4 Non Blondes ("my #38" Korean karaoke jargon for I'll house you on this shit)

Ensemble encore Rehab- A. Winehouse (might happen in rehab)

***FORBIDDEN songs: anything by the Cranberries, the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody, Groove is in the Heart, anything that can be found on a Wes Anderson movie soundtrack.**



++Strongly Encouraged: Novelty rap songs, Frankie Valli, Ron Spector output, Dolly Parton, Op Ivy/Rancid

FAT LIP QUIZ

Mr Fat Lip's QUIZ:

DISCLAIMER**CHILDREN IN ANY KIND OF LACANIAN PHASE SHOULD NOT SEE THE FOLLOWING IMAGES

image "A"-->

<--image "B"

1)COMPARE AND CONTRAST

2)Image "A"+ Viagra = Image "B" + Lesbian Bed Death [T/F]

3) Christa Hilhouse is the missing link between Boy George and Marshall Mathers [T/F]

4) Choose one of the following and write 250 words.

(a) "Leather pants are boner-inducing. No homo." No homo?

(b) Confusion-as-sex 80's glam became the early 90's alt-rock vagina dentata of castration-anxiety ridden freelance cultural critics who aided the proliferation of the term "PC" in the media. (c) Sim Simma. Who am I?

6)carpetmuncher : cracksmoker :: Talib Kweli : ___?___

7) Assume Image "A" actually depicts the wax effigies of those portrayed in Image "B" at a cut-rate Madame Tussaud's in the Belgian Congo (cropped from the picture is the adjacent exhibit of Duff Mc Kagan and Patrice Lumumba's grandmother at her spinning jenny). Yes/No? If not, how can Linda Perry have the same haberdasher as the Slasher? What does this signify? (possible dissertation)
8) Why am I brushing my teeth while peeing in the shower? Is this sexually aberrant?

Certain things cheer me up:

1.
Wandering the Meatpacking District looking like the Unabomber knowing that I can look at Christian Louboutin shoes in all their glory in a boutique window or on the pedicured feet of a Korean girl loudly overenunciating inane opinions at her white boyfriend like HE can't speak English. Dodging cesspools of vomit crossing 14th street, I realize its all Lotus and the Lotus eaters it attracts. A piece of scaffolding is the triage area where trannie guards play nurse. I blink and Ninth Ave transforms itself into Godard's Paris all 60s and left bank glistening with sweat, a cigarette dangling off its lower lip. The yellow wave of taxis ebbs and flows at the same time--equalizing in an uneasy stillness. Its ghostlike emanations are tendrils of smoke that push in and out doors of restaurants on Gansevoort. The buzz of all this activity has found its silence at last. Arrythymic honks of taxis like the feet of a couple awkwardly trying to dance are as equally impotent in stirring the sway of the dancefloor of West Chelsea as they are at getting the selfsame couple laid. A lot of money is being pushed around by a lot of people hoping to go home with the wrong people with the right amount of money. Handsome Midwestern boys head like cattle leering at two black girls fixing the heels of their blocky cheap shoes hoping its pay for play. I look too. No, they're just black. They just want to pass as much as you do.

2.
The Dirty secret is of course that I love New York. That thought passes as a man and woman are the last to leave a clean well lighted place getting its last rush delivery of caviar for the night from Petrossian's. They enter his parked Camry. He eyes me suspiciously as he closes the door behind her and then proceeds with no haste all the technical aspects of courtship. I am sipping out of a paper bag in dirty sneakers and sweats pretending not to watch. Finally they drive off, license plate says New Jersey, that's a relief.
3.
Thinking is a sure sign of insanity. Drama in New York is a plague. Not because it is infectious per se but because once you're infected you look around for another person who is--they are reliably a few inches away from you hoping you'll find them too. That's why this isn't really a lonely city. I've never been anywhere with a better sense of camaraderie. I've never felt more alone.

I met two gents at a publican on St Patrick's Day

GOOD MORNING CONNELLY, FINE DAY ISN'T IT?
TOP O' THE MORNING TO YOU MAGEE. TIS.
I'M FEELING AS IRISH AS A LIMERICK TODAY. HOW BOUT YOURSELF?
AYE ME? I'M FEELING AS IRISH AS A BAR OF GREEN SOAP.
THAT'S NOTHING MAN. YESTERDAY I WAS FEELING AS IRISH AS A POLICE CONVENTION.
OH YOU DON'T SAY, NOT AS WELL AS DID I YESTERDAY. I WAS FEELING AS IRISH AS A GIRL USING GUINNESS AS A PERSONAL LUBRICANT.
AYE. (SILENCE.)
AYE. (SILENCE. SIPS BEER)

I have a life-threatening Illness

Booyakasha

what? is it because I am japanese?

Team Amewica will nevwa catch me deaw weada

I taught the Bitter Asian Bunny the word "masturbation" and now she can't stop doing it!

I am sorry

I am the archnemesis of Architeuthis--what you call "giant" --Ha!--now, meet ME --COLOSSUS...of...Squid!

I can suck a dick, get fucked in the ass, and rim your bitch at the same time.

I can suck a dick, get fucked in the ass, and rim your bitch at the same time.

a touching story of a boy and his log