asciis open doors of perception (4 coorslight tall boys)

twitter's phenomenology of mind

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THE SLOW REALIZATION OF ONE'S OWN MORTALITY:
living on the good graces of my friends. charmed aimlessness is charming right? 11:51 PM Aug 14th

Riding my bike along the brooklyn promenade everyone is an island in the dark coupling. I am the landlord of the skyline. happy to be free. 11:12 PM Aug 24th

why am I a hippie? forgive me ye cynical gods of new york. 7:54 PM Aug 25th

david foster wallace R.I.P. 9:24 AM Sep 15th

i think i'm getting allergic to penises and the people that grow out of them 12:22 PM Sep 25th

R.I.P. DOLEMITE 7:42 AM Oct 23rd

not recession-proofing the universe. my poor city, she trembles under the weight cast on her shoulders. i bear witness, small and helpless. 1:44 AM Dec 2nd

THE ESSENTIAL DIET:
heating up a spinach knish after a hard day of painting technicolor pussies 11:35 PM Aug 13th

can't believe how many texan death row inmates request PB&J's for their last meals. they're okay, not great. 9:52 AM Aug 14th

debate was a total snooze fest. and i even made a special debate lasagne which was totally fucking delicious 5:48 AM Sep 27th

swedish meatballs and lingonberry jamz...MMmm..i might hit up my neighborhood ikea for thxgvg dinner 12:14 AM Oct 13th

has anyone ever had chicken and waffles and lived to tell about it? 5:31 PM Oct 7th from web

@gweezy how would i know that? i'll believe it when I see you in front of a waffle iron and a chicken friolator. seduce me.. 5:43 PM Oct 8th

just had dinner:a bowl of popcorn and doritos, 3 bud light limes. fiesta!! 11:42 PM Oct 19th

oh geez reading about mccain's mysterious health issues has made me lose, yes, even my insatiable need for doritos http://snipurl.com/4ipu0 11:56 PM Oct 19th

parents and i just voted in queens and rewarded ourselves with gut busting breakfast. 11:14 AM Nov 4th

@chopchomp WHHHHHAT is that??? tell me you ate it! 6:48 PM Nov 18th

THE ESSENTIAL DRUG HABIT:

my god has three names: Robert Downey Junior. 11:16 PM Aug 17th

some people unexpectedly have some exceptional marijuana. and i love surprises. thank you. 12:26 AM Aug 20th

insaneo desublimation from last night's party. any openbar obamathons on today? or is it me and a bottle of jack? 6:54 PM Nov 5th

wish i had some ambien and fewer than 4 coffees today 2:56 AM Nov 12th

THE EVER-EXPANDING UNIVERSE OF ARTS APPRECIATION:

You oughta know is the best song ever written. Nuff said. 7:17 PM Aug 20th

Lil Wayne!!! 9:49 PM Sep 7th

i really really wished I hadn't watched Old Boy. 7:03 PM Sep 21st

No endz, no skinz 8:13 PM Sep 25th

http://snipurl.com/4gb1d joan didion.. her sentences sound like waves breaking, just as powerful 1:02 PM Oct 17th

stay positive on the speakers and on the mind. 11:33 AM Oct 22nd

http://vimeo.com/1196726 awesome. mountain goats. godard. sexy french girls 1:51 PM Nov 3rd

http://snipurl.com/4r5cm BUILT TO SPILL covers Paper Planes. Like a drunk handjob from a stranger or something else cringe-inducing. 4:19 PM Oct 27th

does anyone besides me listen to podcasts or is that very iTunes 1.0? 12:06 AM Nov 3rd

THE ARGUMENT FOR ABSTINENCE:

Fuck of course this asshole has some asian whore girlfriend: http://snipurl.com/70w75 1:14 PM Aug 22nd

being vetted is the most unsexy thing ever. always keep that shit under wraps. 9:12 AM Sep 2nd

bachelorette party for my one republican banker friend tonight. no strippers no drugs no men it's gonna be a loooong night. 1:06 PM Sep 6th from web

@ryanapetersen LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD is Amazing you creep. Who doesn't love the MAC guy. and "your dead asian hooker girlfriend" 10:27 PM Sep 14th

i think i'm getting allergic to penises and the people that grow out of them 12:22 PM Sep 25th

4success with an Asian woman, an AfricanAmerican needs no additional income;a white man needs$24K less than average http://snipurl.com/4jxt7 11:36 PM Oct 20th

I have AMAZING taste in men. 6:29 PM Oct 29th

my pinata costume was awesome! especially when i let you beat me with a stick and chucked candy in your face 3:29 PM Nov 1st

i just got my final birthday present only a month late. and it's hilarious. http://snipurl.com/5mzxd 1:56 PM Nov 16th
also waterproof!! cuz you know this is exactly what you'd need, say, when snorkeling in belize. 1:58 PM Nov 16th

Tranny Fag Diaries

Feeling the unknowable.  I reach into myself through my vagina,  up my anus, into my guts, up my esophagus, past my trachea, out my nostrils and lips.  It's an explosion.  No goodwill.  Only release. 

Repeat.  I'm an individual.  Everything you are not I am. Everything I am you are not.  Talent is persistence.  Persistence is trying for no reason.  Talent is trying for no reason at all.  Repeat.

Poetry hasn't been bad like this since twenty minutes after the invention of LSD.  How many times did Timothy Leary touch his penis then? Malcolm Gladwell told me once.  Fuck what Whiteafromotherfucker says--I'm on the A-Team.  You're on Team Beat-off when you're mom's not looking.  Someone gave me a vibrator, it's a battery operated Aston Martin.  

In my dreams I am Kal Penn initiating a 10 year old Indian Boy into the world of fuck.  I feel his little asshole hairs with the backside of my warm  brown hand and my cock shakes with cockglee.  I notice for the first time that life has become my pillow.

  

I am a dildo.  The ad hoc hood ornament on a VW Bug filled with old women who have large flower arrangements in their already elaborate hats. They stop the car when they see me trying to extricate myself one screw at a time.  They dart out and grab me.  Each has one hand around me.  Pumps up and down in unison.  "Age has no affect on a viselike grip" I note with surprise. What their old pussies can't.

Oh no, it's really just Martin Lawrence and I should've known I'm in Big Momma's House.  It's wet.  Smells like fish.  But it's roomy.  There's a batch of collard greens on a checkered tablecloth.  I am not even sure I know what collared greens are.

Self: How often does it dawn on you that you hate me? 

Self: A lot.

The Arribada Effect

Dear Friends,

     I have been away for several months and I apologize.  I have had a lot of difficulty sleeping and have had to watch Planet Earth DVDs and read organic cookbooks as a substitute.  On a cheerful note: I feel only about 5% more suicidal but 28% more sympathetic to the marshlands. 

     I am happy to say that I have discovered the cure for my insomnia and also perpetual feelings of loneliness and worthlessness.  It used to be that it took about three or four sessions of continuous masturbation to Internet videos until I passed out from exhaustion.  I recommend turning the Safe Search off and Googling words that have been beguiling you all day.  Words like "Gauguin," "onomatopoeia," and "coriander" have yielded surprisingly titillating workable results in Google Video.  I can't stress enough the importance of both turning the Safe Search off and searching for "videos."  Sometimes you get unlucky, forgetting to do both, and end up getting only wikitexted fan-fiction all night long.  This is really the worst scenario because you read it all and convince yourself that you could write better and decide to make what seemed like modest revisions only to get your post yanked off the boards by an irate admin who shoots you a 4 AM e-mail that says only "PISS OFF WANKER!!"  So, in all

 honesty Google video search has been all analgesic and not the panacea I wished it to be.   Like most major discoveries it happened by chance that I now possess the ability to fall asleep on command like a charmed snake in a rope basket.  I share this knowledge with you now and hope that it will succor you as it has succored me.

        And it is this: I pretend that my pillow is a large Caribbean sea turtle.  Olive or Kemps Ridley species are the right size for a medium weight pillow(for side sleepers) from IKEA.  Place your right or left cheek on the bed and position the pillow on ear of the opposite side.  I like to position the pillow with a slight rocking motion to simulate the movements of the turtle's belly in the wave action of the Carribbean.  Its gentle weight on your head and the produced warmth make you feel loved by a beast with a cartilagenous shell but a heart of gold.  When my boyfriend is feeling particularly giving he'll soft boil some eggs or golfballs and rub them on my nose while rocking the pillow.  Properly executed on a night when the moon is full, and you could swear you are on the shores of Costa Rica, a newly hatched turtle pup warmed by the crosscurrents generated by mixing the heat of its mother's belly and the cooling sand below. 

     I call this the Arribada Effect, that is--a perfect moment--true unmediated communion with nature.  As with all things, repetition breeds boredom so I change things slightly for variation.  

      On summer nights for a truly magical Arribada Effect, it's nice to rub one's toes vigorously against the vents of an industrial fan or if unavailable, 1.5" binder clips placed on the individual toes.  If you do use the binder clips rub the metal tips of the binder clips against the wall.  Do

n't be scared, you will suddenly be transplanted to a sea in the Tropic of Capricorn where a porpoise is nipping at your fins.  "Hey Porpoise--Stop it!" you might exclaim and your boyfriend can squeak sympathetically now and then.  You can combine this with the pillow trick to enhance your experience.  Although dolphins are generally successful in catching baby sea turtles and devouring them whole; we can pretend for this fantasy that sometimes the hunt is just cheerful play and the biting a little joshing between two frenemies.  

 One A.E. that I like to do on the run or when traveling with only cabin luggage is the white whale.  It is quite easy in Asia where one finds many walls with synthetic treatments.  In Asian hotels particularly there tend to be walls painted with many layers of hi-gloss latex or enamel paint (I prefer white enamel).  Light a medium size candle and place near mirror angled towards the wall, this focuses the light for maximum shine. Take a shower in cold water, do not towel off.  Immediately position body against brightest and smoothest part of wall, outstrech arms and feel for the wall's sweet spot with your body if you feel up for some risk-taking maybe give it a tickle.  You will never get closer than this to hugging a sperm whale.  I find that about 30 minutes of this accompanied by low nose humming will put me eagerly in the arms of Nod.

     

  One that I like to do in the country because truthfully it is time-consuming and a little messy, yields the same whimsical reward as braising short ribs in pineapple juice.  Find a nice greeny patch in the garden, prepare a 10 lb sack of sugar with a pencil-pointed hole.  Use this to draw a distinct and continuous trail from outdoor patch to bathtub.  Feel free to add flourishes! My favorites are meandering spiral labyrinths on my grandfather's rocking chair, a zigzag on the TV, or over some poached eggs.  Just take care that you cut a path all the way to the rim of the tub.  For claw-footed bathtubs I suggest using a plunger placed a 60 degree angle from floor or a string of rock candies.  Please make sure you have reserved at least 2 lbs of sugar at this point.  Add sugar to bathtub allowing little to dissolve.  If you haven't already done so, disrobe. 

 Lie in tub. Pat sugar water on self.  Take remaining sugar, hopefully a pound or so and rub into exposed flesh. For a side benefit rubbing vigorously will gently exfoliate skin and add a little kinky redness.  My boyfriend likes this part the most.  Large granulated sugar is best. I like to sift the sugar in advance and save some of the "rocks" to place on my chest at this point.  Exhaust all the sugar and discard the sack, taking care to stay supine.  Now close your eyes and eagerly anticipate change.  After about 5 hours of marination the "tidewater" and "sand" becomes body temperature and the baby crabs come to explore all the funny promontories you've made.  They are usually ants but sometimes you get beetles which are arthropods! just like crabs!  The sensation is effervescent.  You know that you are the fertile tide pool that

 scores of creatures cling to for their survival.  The darker rougher parts of your body shelter thousands of diverse life forms.  Mosquitoes, black flies, termites, garden slugs, and the occasional wet vole become barnacles, sea crabs, sea urchins, chitons, snails, sand flies.  Sometimes though raccoons and bears are a problem.  Still, I dare you to find a better cure for insomnia. 

the APOCRYPHA of APOCALYPTO

Child, look close. Look at how her eyes dart from side to side as she walks through the market as though she is being followed. It is not the look of fear child. Make no mistake that is the licentious grasping gaze of the Antisemite.

If she holds yout gaze for too long you will fall prey to the lascivious trap her kind doth carry close like a hunter with his musket or a sailor with his scrimshaw. You will note how her bosom doth swing with pendulous regularity. Nay that is not like the pendulum in the clocks of grandmother's house, that is the debased metronome that mesmerizes the low instincts of her male kin and too many of our innocent young men. It bastardizes time with intemperance, leaving only the empty promise of amatory consummation in its wake.

Yess... Yess I can see she is pregnant--it is quite obvious to all--but is it quite so obvious what she is not showing? Her fine maternal glow does not betray her revolting secret. Our scientists have shown that during gestation the female Antisemite drops the fetus in a pouch in a special labial cavity formed by a droop ih her birthing apparratus. For four lunar weeks her offspring lay in this sac--a greedy monkey in its hammock--mouthj agape, lapping up the elixirs of lust that ooze from the gland found only in her kind that so many of our young men fall victim to. THe baby, if anything so tainted by birth can even be grated that name, will wail not for want of milk but for its narcotic, that vile honey its--and I'm sorry if I spit when I say this--mother secretes. Bisexuality and her siamese twin Sexuality are the flighty godmothers to all the young born to these people; for they are born orphans. As one and all know, a motherless child is like a soleless shoe; a cosmetic cover for infection and vermin that fester at its very base--at its very soul--hah!

Her eyes are set further apart in her visage to confound the eyes and make us perceive honesty and goodness wheree there is only hateful dissembling and malice. The epicanthis folds beckon recognition from our members like the desperate flyer of a proselytizer; unlike our faithful brethren these indelicate flaps are quite effectual. Her eyes seem beautiful as we follow mesmerized into the depraved lairs she reserves for the fatal encounter. She will offer wines and spirits to diminish our fear but this is to be the last act of unction. She will be merciless in our demise. In her passionate throes she clenches our daggers tight in a manner her father instructed her in (you blush but it is true) this erstwhile fair creature turns mureous monstr, and removes to discharge our weapons in our own faces.

And yet.. and yet their godless feral lust ends not with the consummation of flesh. They use their demonic prowess to garner opppostunites for advancement in our society. Our best cosmetic surgeons, entertainment lawyers, sporting agents, and yes even repectably agina businessmen provide only the steadiest supply of open vessels for their tricks. She will manipulate greed and envy as a sherpa with a finely honed staff. Expertly clinbing the highest reches of Mt. Success which is truly a tower built on the backs of the once willing but now lifeless backs of our men. After frolicking in public houses many a man finds himself parted from his fortune and in her vise-like grip. She will met you down part by part from your belt to the gelt in your teeth. Like a grinning mohel you will see her above you tantalizing you with your dismembered part in her clow. Her eyes will nbot seem beautiful then as she eyes you like the carrion you are. Then she will reinstate your body devoid of its soul and wealth, as her ventriloquist's dummy, to give her fraud a respectable face and to hide her true nature. Like the bloody merkin she is, she will in this guise, infiltrate the company of your peers with the same ruse until all of her society is lowered to her putrid and ignominious state. Then and only then will she be done with you. Look away child, look away before it is too late.

This Daft Gook Needs a Job: Scenes from a post.harvard.edu inbox

Bridgewater Associates(Assholes, etc.), Inc.
We're looking for people who can be the leaders of the company – starting on their very first day. (seek a few good dickheads)

Bridgewater manages $165 billion in global investments for a wide array of institutional clients, including foreign governments and central banks, corporate and public pension funds, university endowments and charitable foundations. (big primed uncut cocks with greasy hot nuts) Bridgewater has approximately 450 employees and is based in Westport, Connecticut. (conveniently located just off the Post Road at the corner of Cum in My Ass and Cum on My Chin) There are three ingredients behind Bridgewater's success: its process, its people, and its culture. (raw entry, uprocking reverse cowgirl, jackhammering doggystyle, with a little stinky pinky; teen sluts, horny bicurious wives, dirty old men; and biweekly swingers parties) At Bridgewater, we have invented, and keep inventing, superior approaches to investing and technology. We have fueled this innovation by recruiting talented, creative people from all backgrounds and promoting an invigorating and collaborative work environment. (mature broads who like double fisting, black dick in white pussy, horses, water sports, circle jerk lunch breaks) We are committed to the constant pursuit of excellence, and a meritocracy of ideas, not hierarchies, drives decision-making. (shut up and eat my cock you little cumslut)

Client Service Department Overview:
The Client Service Department is responsible for implementing Bridgewater's client strategy. (get that lube and squirt it all over my ass) Our global client base includes public and corporate pension funds, foreign governments and central banks, as well as university endowments and charitable foundations. (now shove that wine enema into my moist boyhole) We seek to be our clients' most trusted advisor, beyond providing excellent reporting and analytical services.(ooh yeah drink up bitch, suck it dry, and lick all the edges you little whore). Client Advisors,

Portfolio Strategists, and Analysts introduce and teach institutional investors about (now lube me up and pound my ass like you mean it) Bridgewater's pioneering work in areas such as risk budgeting, alpha and beta separation, portable alpha, optimal beta, currency overlay, and global inflation-indexed bond investing. (oh yeah you fucking like that don't you, you ugly little cumwad, tell me you like

daddy's tight little stinkhole.) Our track record

(Daddy's going to cum) of innovative (oh yeah Daddy's going to--fu--cking cum) and objective thinking (Fuuuuck.) has established (Yeah. Unnngh) Bridgewater as one of the pre-eminent (Ohhhh. Ungh) investment management firms in the business. ( Unghhungohh)

My 26th Birthday Party Karaoke Songlist

It's very necessary that you help sate my appetite for destruction (self-, aurally). No doubt it'll be a bizarre ride II the pharcyde of Queens or K-town or the East Village (most likely). All the pathos or bathos won't get us back to black music's roots with my light-FM playlist but it most certainly won't be a night at the opera. Either which way, hell hath no fury like the bitter Asian birthday bunny scorned. Tone def ululations aside, it'll be all golden hits when I'm on golden pond hopefully my 2-6 will be bigger, better, faster, more , like a never ending supply of yay. Donations to that effect will be appreciated.



THE LIST:

1.Shoop or Let's Talk about Sex - Salt 'n' Pepa (warmup, ensemble)
2.Paradise City- G'n'R (dolo, choral ensemble)
3.Passin' me By- Pharcyde (I do Fat Lip's verses)
4.You Know I'm No Good - A. Winehouse (dolo)
5.Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (drunk ensemble obv)
6.Chinese New Year or Hello New World (someone's got to do Pharrell)- Clipse
7.I Say a Little Prayer- Dionne Warwick (maybe this will get cut)
8.What's Up- 4 Non Blondes ("my #38" Korean karaoke jargon for I'll house you on this shit)

Ensemble encore Rehab- A. Winehouse (might happen in rehab)

***FORBIDDEN songs: anything by the Cranberries, the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody, Groove is in the Heart, anything that can be found on a Wes Anderson movie soundtrack.**



++Strongly Encouraged: Novelty rap songs, Frankie Valli, Ron Spector output, Dolly Parton, Op Ivy/Rancid